A 5280 Geek Quarter’s Worth Special Edition
Life After Supplemental Unemployment:
The Top Ways To Spend Less Money
July 2020 has ended, and with it, the cushion of the $600 CARES Act boost to weekly unemployment benefits has expired as well. Lawmakers in Washington are juggling partisan politics and recesses while the 53 million former American workers who filed for unemployment since President Trump declared a state of emergency on March 13th are waiting with with baited breath.
Traditional state unemployment benefits average $378 per week. That’s what millions of Americans out of work due to COVID-19 will be expected to live off of, at least until their state unemployment allotment runs out.
After cutting their bank a check, unemployed homeowners are left with approximately $353 to cover all additional expenses for the month. That includes food and utilities.
And we’re no math majors, but renters are fucked!
5280 Geek isn’t the place for debating the value of unemployment benefits and social safety nets, but we do want to aid readers in bridging the gap left until another relief bill comes out of Washington.
We have no insider information on when or how much of an additional unemployment stimulus will come down the pipes. However most news sources are reporting it may not equal the $600 per week the American unemployed have been receiving since the end of March.
To make things easier for those who will be going without for the foreseeable future, we’ve compiled a list of some of the best ways to spend less money.
Without further delay, here it is.
Learn How To Cut Hair
Save double if we cut our partner’s hair.
Triple if we learn to cut our kids’ and pets’.
Stop Watering The Lawn
We’re just trying to not get evicted right now!
Become An Au Pair
It’s difficult to pin down exactly how many schools won’t reopen in the 2020-2021 school year.
Regardless, millions of parents are scrambling to figure out how to make full-time incomes while caring for their virtually learning offspring.
We can handle those whipper-snappers.
Make Homemade Hand Sanitizer
Household cleaners? Check.
Leftover hard liquor? Check.
Snake Venom? Check.
Just don’t drink it.
Walk And Bike Instead Of Driving
We should stress the importance of saving gas money and not putting miles on the car. . .
But we just learned from the picture above that people ride bikes with VR headsets on!
Save on utility bills, plus it’s kind of liberating.
Just don’t get caught.
Stop Buying Shit
The Captain Obvious answer award goes to. . .
But seriously, it’s time to reign in unnecessary expenditures.
Dig In The Couch Cushions
Cheetos. Money. Sex toys.
If we find it in the cushions we won’t have to spend money on it.
Learn To Sew
Repair torn clothing now.
Be ready when the sweatshops reopen later.
Flush Once A Day
How does the old proverb go?
If it’s yellow let it mellow.
If it’s brown flush it down.
Cancel Your Streaming Subscriptions
We bought all these movies, books, CDs, records, and video games anyway.
Maybe it’s time to watch, read, listen to and play some of them.
Set The Kids And Pets Free
Nobody’s really going to cancel Disney Plus, Netflix, or Amazon Prime.
If we get rid of all the little freeloaders instead, we’ll spend less and won’t have to share the TV either.
Learn How To Cook
Cheaper and healthier than eating out.
Where’s the fire extinguisher?
Keep The Lights Off
Make a game out of it.
Tonight we’re Amish; tomorrow, Quakers.
Start A Community Share Group
Someone else has those power tools we need.
We’ve got pocket lint.
Maybe they’ll trade.
Go On Vacation. . .In Our Minds
Imagine the pandemic is over and we’re on a beach somewhere.
Imagine never coming back from this imaginary paradise.
There’s no question Americans are facing dire straights with regards to COVID-19. The effect the virus is having on unemployment and the economy is catastrophic.
We hoped to bring a little humor to an excessively tough situation. Most of these suggestions are legitimate. Everyone needs to get smart and become cognizant in order to make it out the other end with as little damage and scar tissue as possible.
Our greatest wish, here at 5280 Geek, is that everyone succeeds in spending less and getting through this uncertain and stressful time.
Remember, others share the same plight we do. . .And we will get through this!
Written by John Andreula.
Edited by Kodid Laraque-Two Elk
Hit John on Instagram at: JohnAndreulaWritesStuff
Or Kodid at: Leyla.Kodid
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