Your Quarters Worth Hot Costumes for Halloween 2020
October is here once again, and this October is sure to be unlike any that have come before it. Regardless of how the rest of the month turns out, it’s time to start making plans for the upcoming Halloween festivities.
Sure, like most fun things in 2020, Halloween will be likely be cancelled.
If we’re lucky the holiday will only be dumbed-down due to the pandemic and its accompanying mandates, hysteria, and anxiety.
Whether you’re a This is all a conspiracy and I just want to get drunk and eat some candy corn, or you’re more the I’ve gotten acclimated to my new normal and am going to get drunk and eat some candy corn alone, you’re allowed to celebrate the upcoming pagan festival of evil spirits, death, and chocolate any way you choose.
While we still don’t have any relevant credentials, expertise, or degrees here at 5280 Geek, we did compile a list of the must-have costumes for Halloween this year.
Who knows? You may already have a few of them in your closet.
Here it is, your Hot Costumes for Halloween 2020. Good luck selecting the perfect one.
How long did you think we’d wait before dropping this one?
Halloween 2020 obviously wouldn’t be complete without some dork thinking it’d be funny to dress up as a coronavirus. . .
Make sure you say hello when you see me.
Not that Professor Zoom, comic book heads.
The 2020 Professor Zoom wears a computer monitor shell over their head. They randomly cease all facial expression and sound before inexplicably returning to normal.
Bonus points if they continue moving their mouth while not making any noise until someone tells them they’re muted.
For this costume you need a bee costume, a weapon or three, and some fake blood.
If you can’t procure a bee costume due to supply chain issues just grab a Charlotte Hornets jersey. You’ll find one on the clearance rack of your local thrift store.
Are you an old, rich, crusty, white guy? Then you won’t have to do much to get this costume going.
Put on your most expensive yet plain suit and pin an American flag onto your lapel.
Start blathering about how bad the country currently is and how much better it’ll be if you’re elected—even if you’re dressing as the incumbent.
Worried that people won’t know which one you’re dressed as? Don’t be. It really doesn’t make a difference.
Double Sexy Firefighter
The sexy firefighter is extra sexy this year!
Hopefully they’re way too busy putting out the actual fires to get down with all us norms this Halloween.
If you see them thank them for their service and sacrifice. . .
And then tell them to get their asses back to work.
Prince Harry/Meghan Markle
Weren’t they in the news for some insignificant reason before we all got into the handbasket earlier in the year?
Wouldn’t it be nice to go back to the days when we dressed up as people with status levels so completely unattainable to the rest of us?
Really, nobody gave a shit then, and we care even less now.
You won’t know who they really are, but they’ll be the ones talking a whole bunch of shit.
They’re skin is like a vampire’s, but they lack fangs and have way worse haircuts. They also have hunchbacks from leaning over keyboards all day and are dressed in stained sweats or pajamas.
Avoid anyone wearing this costume unless you want to get all riled up and have your Halloween night ruined.
Infectious Disease Scientist
Pretty simple. All you need is a lab coat, goggles, and an N95 mask.
On second though you may have trouble procuring the mask. . .
Cardi B’s W.A.P.
Waffles and Pancakes or Wear a Mask Please. . .
We’re not exactly sure what Cardi B’s W.A.P. is, but we hear all the kids will be wearing this one this year.
See those people still going to Halloween parties not wearing face coverings? The drunker they get the louder they become, and the closer they stand to one another.
If you don’t want COVID or any other STI avoid anyone in these costumes as well.
Are they against racism or transgender rights, or for them? Are they with the movement they’re protesting with, or just looking to break windows and cause some havoc?
This costume makes our heads hurt.
We realize everything we said about Harry and Meghan technically applies to Billie Eilish as well, but c’mon.
Do either of them have a Grammy or the title song in the next James Bond movie?
We miss you, Billie. We hope you’re cool with us dressing up like you.
The Karen is technically also a super-spreader, so it’s like two costumes in one.
If you give a funny look to anyone wearing this costume, ask them to wear a face covering, or are not white, you’re probably about to get the cops called on you.
And if you’re not white, steer clear, she may be packing and it won’t be a toy.
Just Wear A Mask!
We all see the numbers looking decent lately, but we’re just getting finished with the hot months. The virus is still killing people. We’re over one million dead from COVID-19 worldwide and still counting.
The numbers are probably going to get worse as the weather gets colder and everyone heads indoors, especially with everything opening back up.
Don’t be the reason something you love has to shut down because of another outbreak.
People sure are going to have a tough time choosing which costume is just right for them, as there were so many great options to choose from.
Even though the skies are smoking from the unceasing wildfires and two of the horsemen of the apocalypse are vying to become the next president of the United States, there’s no reason we should let it put a damper on our Halloween.
And as Smurf says, there’s nothing a good cosplay can’t fix—or at least make us feel slightly better as we cry into our cloth face masks.
Of course if Halloween is anything like the rest of 2020 we’ll probably get candy-jacked or run over before we make it off our blocks while trick-or-treating.
At least we have Thanksgiving to look forward to next month. We’ll finally be able to get together with all our loved ones and. . .oh, wait.
From all of us here at 5280 Geek to all of you, have a happy October and have as much fun as possible on Halloween.
Stay safe, stay healthy, and no matter what the hell happens next, stay geeky!
A very special 5280 Geek shout out to Kodid.
Sorry you have to be the next one up for another lame-ass 2020 birthday.
We’ll make up for it in 2021. . .hopefully.
List compiled by John Andreula.
Messy grammar and language edited by Kodid Laraque-Two Elk
John’s on Instagram at: JohnAndreulaWritesStuff
Kodid’s at: Leyla.Kodid
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