A Quarter’s Worth Intimate Thirdhand Conversation With Santa
Merry Christmas, 5280 Geeks.
Santa is through making his annual rounds. By now you’ve either received a few wrapped gifts under your tree or some coal in your stocking.
S.C.’s yearly night’s work is complete, so he’s cooling out at the North Pole, splitting time in his hot tub with Mrs. Claus and slaying zombies in Call of Duty Cold War.
I just got off Zoom with Santa and he wanted me to say hello and to relay his state of Christmas report to the world.
First off, S.C. wants to commend those who put forth extra effort this year despite the unfortunate realities we’re faced with in 2020. He appreciates the hand sanitizer put out next to all his milk and cookies setups.
He says he’s got so much antibacterial that he’s considering opening up a chain of pop-up stores in vacant mall spaces. He figures he can make some side hustle cash and keep the elves working in the offseason.
Santa also wanted me to holler at everyone who made the naughty list. In response to you not getting squat this morning, he’s quoting Demi Lovato, Sorry Not Sorry.
He sang both verses and the hooks while doing some sort of Tik Tok dance. It looked like one you’d see when a 300 lb lineman picks up a fumble and punches it into the end zone.
Big guy’s hilarious. Too bad I’ve been on the naughty list for over twenty years.
He even got a few digs in on me before our conversation was through. He told me, “I know when you’re awake,” in his creepiest just kidding, but serious voice.
By now you’re wondering how I got Santa’s Zoom link. It’s not that great of a story, but S.C. and I go back to the days of my childhood. I once caught him heading out the back door of my childhood apartment after his delivery—back then I was still getting gifts and not coal.
We had the good cookies, so he stayed a little longer than he should have. My mom bakes Nestle Toll House chocolate chip cookies from the recipe right on the yellow bag. It never fails.
Santa’s also always enjoyed my uncanny superpower of being able to pick up any present and tell him what’s in it from the heft and a shake.
I like S.C. because he curses in reindeer. He’s also the only person I’ve ever met who can down more of my mom’s cookies than I can. I gonna miss big guy until we hook up again in 2021.
Everyone’s blessed that he didn’t decide to call it a year. He is overweight and a diabetic so his comorbidity factor is high. Luckily, viral transmission is near non-existent at the north Pole. He felt the risk was worth it.
Plus it’s difficult to take the day off when one only works a day per year.
Nobody can wait for the pandemic to end, least of all me.
Santa promised me a room anytime I show up, although it’s a little small. I’ll be sharing it with some elves. I just have to charter a plane into the artic, or ride some ice, or however you get up there.
He promises to demonstrate how he and Donner hold their breath underwater in the jacuzzi while staring at each other. I just have to see it. There will be a fresh Wanderer right after the trip.
That’s all from S.C. and Your Quarter’s Worth for the year. Thanks for sticking with us.
Again, Merry Christmas from all us here at 5280 Geek. Enjoy the family time and all the new toys. We’ll see you again real soon.
Until then, stay light-hearted, and as always, stay geeky.
Written by John Andreula.
Edited by Kodid Laraque-Two Elk.
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